


On my mind

by orphan_account



Series: On my mind/Battlefield [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by stormy<br/>“Why did he have to turn up here, especially today, when I was having such a bad day as it was? He had torn down my whole world more than once already – why did he always have to return and make sure there were no survivors when I had just begun trying to build everything up again?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	On my mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Akame fanfiction, so please be nice about it <3
> 
> Insert Song: KAT-TUN - On my mind

_An affectionately drawn out sing sang voice broke me out of my concentration, causing a smile to spread across my face almost automatically._

_“Kame-Chan!”_

_I looked up from my script the very same moment Jin decided to lean on my back, his head resting on my shoulder. I felt a few strands of his hair tickling my cheek, and tried to ignore the hopeful speeding of my heartbeat at his nearness._

_“What is it?” I murmured, meaning to sound indifferent, but the smile in my voice gave me away._

_“Could you stop overworking yourself just this once?” Jin teased, straightening himself up again to shrug out of his Kurokin school uniform blazer. “We are done with filming for today, so let’s go out and enjoy ourselves!”_

_“One of us has to know his lines” I threw back, turning around to look up at him, popping an eyebrow sternly for the effect._

_“You’ve known everything by heart even before we started filming!” Jin rolled his eyes at me, crossing his arms. “You even know my text, for heaven’s sake!”_

_“Yes, because you don’t!” I chuckled, biting my lip in amusement at the way Jin glared at me in return. “Fine, you win. Let’s get out of here!” I finally gave in, turning away from him for a short moment to slip my script back into my backpack. I rattled on as I turned to face him again. “So, what were you planning to-“ I cut myself off in shock._

_The Gokusen set was gone, just like the teenage Jin in front of me. He had been replaced by an older version of him, not as affectionate and teasing as he had been only moments ago, but cool and collected. Somehow foreign._

_“I’m off” he said quietly, lacking all the kindness it had previously owned. “Bye, Kame.”_

**“Baby, please come back” I can’t say it**  
We can’t go back to those days  
To the time that flowed away

_“Jin” I murmured in shock, reaching out for him, but though he seemed so close, I couldn’t get hold of him, couldn’t feel his warm skin between my fingers. “Jin!” I called again, this time louder, panicking, but Jin was already gone, as if he had disappeared into thin air, and I was falling…_

**Please, I just wanna forget**

I opened my eyes, staring at the dark ceiling above me, panting slightly. I ran my tongue over my dry lips, trying to control my breathing, sitting up. Just in that moment, my alarm went off. Almost unconsciously, I reached for my cell phone, which was placed on the nightstand, fumbling to stop the shrill beeping sound. When I finally managed to turn the damned thing off, silence engulfed me again, and my still slightly labored breathing was the only sound to be heard.

I stared down at my phone, still in my hand, being in some kind of trance. Maybe it was the aftershock of the dream, or I wasn’t quite awake yet.

My fingers traveled over the touchpad without my consent, scrolling through my contacts, searching. Not for long, needless to add – I didn’t know that many people whose name started with an “A”.

_Akanishi Jin_

I stared at the name and the ID photo, my heart immediately sinking into the region of my stomach, and I felt like I needed to throw up.

How long had it been since I had last heard from him? Half a year? More? Too long, so much was for sure.

So long that I was at the point that the distance almost hurt me physically. It wasn’t supposed to be like this – I was supposed to have moved on, the way he did, to not think or _dream_ about him all the freaking time. It was not like he missed me likewise, or else he would have called at least once since he had left for L.A..

I didn’t seem to matter to him anymore, or maybe I never had – not as a friend, and certainly not as something more. It was not worth it. I knew it – I had told myself so many times that it had become some kind of mantra, but somehow, thinking the words and feeling them was a different thing altogether. Not that I wasn’t used to it – logic has always seemed to fail me when it came to Akanishi Jin.

**The answer that I couldn’t say that time**

I still remembered this one moment before Jin had left KAT-TUN for good to pursue his solo career. Rumors about Jin’s plans had already swapped through the whole agency, reaching my ears as well, reporting various meetings with Johnny-San, but I had solemnly refused to believe them. After all, Jin had left the band before, and had come back – I wanted to make myself believe that he wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ leave us (read: me) again. I needed to believe it, to keep myself from falling apart.

However, the whole well built construct had crumbled in this one night, leaving me buried under the pieces, and I had never been able to fight myself back towards the sunlight again.

Jin had been over at my house, and we had been watching some movie which I seriously didn’t remember the name of, not that I cared, but Jin’s voice from when he had spoken up was still as clear as ever in my head, just like the effect that his words had had on me.

“Would you mind?” he had said suddenly, out of the blue. “Would you mind if I left KAT-TUN for good this time?”

**Say it once again**

I had frozen, my eyes glued to the screen, not even blinking when a car was being blown up with a loud explosion. I didn’t think I’d have been able to move even if I tried. As it was clear to Jin that I wouldn’t answer, Jin kept talking, his voice uncertain.

“It’s a great chance for me, Kame. I mean, it’s America! You know how much I always wanted to make it over there. I love you guys to death-“ I had gulped painfully at the word “love”. _No, you don’t_ , I thought. _Not as much as I love you, or you wouldn’t want to leave._ “- and KAT-TUN is like a family to me, but I really want to do this! I _need_ to do this, Kame!”

His tone had been pleading, indicating that he needed me to understand. And certainly, that he had even asked counted for something. Maybe, if I had asked him to stay in this very moment, he would have.

**I tried saying it out loud (stay with me)  
But in front of your eyes, I just couldn’t**

But I hadn’t, and it was probably for the best. I knew Jin inside out – his slightly egocentric tendencies would have caused us to fight, throwing things at each other we never meant to say, and resulting in him leaving on bad terms with me. Better to see him off smiling, no matter how much it tore me apart.

“Then go ahead” I had murmured, trying to collect all my strength for a better answer, but it seemed difficult to do so without screaming in despair and bursting into tears. “We have already made it without you once, and we can do it again. No need to worry about us.”

“Kame?” Jin had asked in a small voice, looking at me worriedly. “Are you really okay? You sound… mad…”

I took a deep breath, doing my best to muster up the most realistic smile I could give him under the circumstances. Heck, what kind of an actor was I if I couldn’t even do that?!

“Don’t worry, I’m okay!” I ensured him, trying to be reassuring. “I’ll always be supporting you, no matter if you are a member of the band or a solo artist. I know you can do it. So do your best.”

Jin had smiled brightly as he had thanked me, and I had wanted to crawl into some corner and die.

 **As I remember each moment, I regret**  
What a fool I was  
 **Even though I had so many chances**

As always, I had kept quiet. I hadn’t told him to stay the first time he had taken off to America in 2006, and I hadn’t done so when he had left for good, just as I hadn’t ever told him how much he meant to me.

But how did you tell your best friend that you were, and had always been, madly in love with him? It was difficult under normal circumstances, but impossible when you were both guys. Not to mention in the entertainment business, where every scandal could be your end.

I had a list, stuck under the matrices of my bed, where no one would ever find it, titled “Reasons to forget him”. It was 2 and a half pages long, filled out neatly front and back page, including all points from reasonable and logic to “I hate his taste in movies”. But no point that had been added over the years had ever managed to banish those masochistic feelings inside of me.

Yes, I know how pathetic I sound, but thanks for reminding me.

Maybe I just should have told him at some point. Just get it over with – then he could have rejected me, and everything would have been okay. Well, of course it _wouldn’t_ have been okay, but maybe, eventually, it would have become easier for me. I could have grown to hate him, or whatever I needed to end this insanity.

Well, technically, I had enough reasons to hate him anyways, but the emphasis stayed on _technically_.

**That’s why forever, anytime, you’re staying on my mind**

I finally threw my phone back onto the nightstand and got out of bed, resisting the urge to call him just to hear his voice.

**“Baby, please come back” I can’t say it**

I got rid of my clothes,  quickly jumping under the shower, trying to wash everything of – the past, the feelings, the thoughts of him… It was no good to linger in the past. I knew it wasn’t. I needed to pull myself together, or I would end up in depression eventually.

 **We can’t go back to those days**  
To the time that flowed away  
And now, I’m just letting it pass by

When I got out of the shower, I felt refreshed enough to force myself to focus on work and everything _but Jin_ for the rest of the day. I could waste my time moping when I was back home, but for now, I had work to do, and being as professional as I was, I wouldn’t let my personal feelings interrupt with my work. I would die out of shame if I did. ****

The erased feelings are coming back  
If someday, I can only let go of them  
I believe, like a prayer  
I just wanna forget

It seemed to work quite well at first – none of the guys threw me a second, only halfway worried look when I entered the recording studio. I feigned my best enthusiasm at the recording of KAT-TUN’s new single, motivating the other members to go through the often way too technical and annoying recording process without a single complaint.

Those were the moments I felt most alive – in my role as the leader of the band. There were days when it was harder to fake the bright smile or hold the motivating speeches to pull the others along with a power that I didn’t feel that I possessed, like today, but I always managed it somehow. It gave me a sense of achievement.

No matter if Jin had left us, (or me, whichever) I would keep the band at number one level. I was way too ambitious to lose.

We had finished about half of the song when I heard the door to the recording studio open. I didn’t look up at first – I had expected it to be one of the guys, being back from the bathroom or whatever. Instead, my eyes were glued to the computer, checking on the work we had done until now, completely caught up in my task. It took me a few seconds to notice that everyone had gone quiet around me, staring towards the doorway as if they were seeing a ghost.

Finally, I looked up as well, freezing the moment that I recognized the figure that was peeking in unsurely, as if afraid of being thrown out any second.

**How nostalgic, my friend, at the reunion**

Maybe I was hallucinating. Maybe my dreams had already crept themselves into my daily life somehow, making me see things that would eventually drive me insane. I should go see a doctor.

I threw the thought away though when Junnosuke let out a shocked: “Akanishi. You, here?!” If the others could see him as well, I wasn’t making him up. Only I kind of wished I was.

“Hey, everyone” Jin smiled tentatively, waving into the round carefully. “I was here because of some contract issues, and when I heard you were recording today, I just thought I’d pop in and say hello… or am I interrupting you?”

“Now that’s a surprise” Koki chuckled, crossing his arms, smiling crookedly. “I’d almost given up on hearing from you ever again!”

“I know, I haven’t been in touch lately” Jin murmured, making a face. “Sorry, I was busy.”

“As expected from Superstar Jin Akanishi” Yuichi teased, intentionally pronouncing his name the American way, given name first. “Well, whatever, welcome back!”

“Thanks” Jin chuckled, obviously relieved to be received without various sharp objects flying in his direction.  He looked towards me then, but as soon as our eyes met, I looked away, almost out of reflex.

I felt exactly like I had felt after waking up this morning, need to throw up inclusive, only that this was _real._ No after effects of a silly dream I had had, or memories that I had run myself into – Jin was _here_ , and seriously, I was not ready for this. Not ready to deal with it. Not in a million years.

Everyone else had left their position to walk over to Jin, joking and chatting with our former band mate, no one seeming to notice my discomfort. Or my shaking hands as I balled them into a fist, trying to get a grip of myself.

I had thought it couldn’t get worse than waking up thinking about him every morning, drowning in the feeling of missing him, in the knowledge that I would be never able to actually _have_ him, but this actually _was_ worse. A lot worse. Having him walk in like this, without warning, with the same smile as ever and the same effects it had on me, after so many _goddamned months_ …

I gulped, trying to take a deep breath, but there seemed no air available to fill my lungs. What, had earth run out of oxygen?!

Jin looked up at me again, but I avoided his gaze again, placing the best smile I could muster up under the circumstances on my face and calling into the round.

“Okay, let’s finish up quickly, we have a schedule, after all. Akanishi can stay and watch if he wants to.”

His name tasted bitter on my tongue, and I felt like running out of the room and screaming, but resisted the urge, scared to make a scene.

No one really seemed to think anything strange of my behavior (sometimes being written off as a workaholic came in handy) and returned to work, promising Jin that they would talk later. I noticed only Tatsuya frowning slightly at me, and Jin, of course. Only that Jin didn’t share Tatsuya’s skeptic and slightly concerned look – he looked rather like a puppy that had been kicked out by his master.

However, I had no energy left to feel sorry for him – it was all I could do to keep from breaking down in the middle of the room.

**I’m overflowed by the things I want to ask, but  
I cannot smile (How is his life?)**

Jin sat down not far from me as he watched us work, occasionally throwing glances to me in the hope of me returning them, but I never did. Of course he knew something was very wrong – it wasn’t hard to figure out, really. But I just couldn’t bring myself to look up at him.

What was he even doing here?! What was he thinking, waltzing in here as if nothing happened?! After leaving the band, and then not even calling for months?! Did you do that to people who you called your “family”?!

Did you do that to someone who you used to call your “Best friend”?

With every time I felt Jin’s eyes on my face, I felt more sick, and my throat felt a little more tighter, as if some kind of animal tried to squeeze itself out of it. My hands were still shaking, and I didn’t seem to be able to get them under control again.

I managed to keep my composure till the end of our recording session, though. When even the last notes had been recorded and arranged, everyone called it a day, gathering around Jin to catch up. Only I excused myself to the bathroom in a quiet voice, not being able to stay one second longer in this room with Jin and without air. I saw Tatsuya looking after me in slight worry as I fled. I wasn’t sure of Jin’s expression – I didn’t dare to look.

**I can’t help getting touched by them (Tears running down my face)  
Why am I being so concerned like this? (Get out of my head)**

I was relieved when I finally reached the safe walls of the deserted washroom, finally hidden from everyone’s eyes. I braced myself against the sink, looking up at the mirror, seeing the reflexion of my broken self in it. A soft sob escaped my lips, and my sight was blurred with tears. I broke open, holding myself upright with my hands still clenching at the cold sink, waves of pain rolling through my body uncontrollably, bringing forward tears and sobs. ****

The thorn is still attached  
Now he’s not mine, it’s not erased yet  
His smile still on my mind

It took a while till the worst was over, and I was finally able to breathe again. I had never felt that pathetic in my entire life, and I had been in a lot of pitiful situations. I wiped at my face angrily, trying to get rid of the tear strains, but it was difficult when new ones were appearing every now and then.

Why did he have to turn up here, especially today, when I was having such a bad day as it was? He had torn down my whole world more than once already – why did he always have to return and make sure there were no survivors when I had just begun trying to build everything up again?

 **“Baby, please come back” I can’t say it**  
We can’t go back to those days  
To the time that flowed away

The bathroom door opened, and I hastily wiped at my face one more time to appear decent before I looked up through the mirror.

It was Jin, looking at me uncertainly from the doorway, waiting there as if he was scared to enter the public bathroom. I was glad that one of the lightning bulbs was defect, so he wouldn’t be able to make out my messed up state from across the badly lit room.

“Kame?” he said quietly, as if afraid to speak louder. “Are you okay?”

“Sure” I answered, my voice slightly rough, but it could have been worse, considering my crying fit just a few moments ago.

“The others want to grab a drink and catch up” he said slowly, his eyes glued to my back. “Are you coming along?”

“No” I said quietly, not moving. “I have something else to do.”

**And now, I’m just letting it pass by**

Jin bit his lip, looking as if he had expected nothing else, and finally entered the room, letting the door fall closed behind him.

“Kame” he spoke up again, his voice soft. “Are you mad at me?”

I wanted to scream at him that I indeed _was_ mad, and had all right to be, after all it had been months and he _just didn’t call_ , and-

But that would have kind of given me away. Therefore, I lied, like I always did.

“No” I only answered, not able to say more.

“You are mad” Jin whispered, taking slow steps closer to me. I wanted to scream at him to stay where he was, to not come closer, but I just stood there, silently accepting my fate. “You haven’t looked at me all day, Kame. Please talk to me.”

 _Oh, NOW you want to talk?!_ , I thought bitterly, but didn’t say anything. Safer to stay quiet.

It was then that Jin reached for me, gently grabbing my elbow, turning me around to face him. I didn’t look at him, but the catch in his breath at the sight of my expression told me everything I needed to know.

“Did you _cry_?!” he whispered in shock.

**The erased feelings are coming back**

“No” I said, but the new tears in my eyes were counterproductive to my denial. I tore my arm out of his grip, turned around and left the bathroom with fast steps, only wanting to get away.

 **If someday, I can only let go of them**  
I believe, like a prayer  
I just wanna forget

I had come to work by car, but instead of driving back, I decided to walk. The cold air felt good against my heated up skin, and numbed the thumping headache, which always accompanied my emotional breakdowns. The relief only lasted a moment, but I was thankful for anything I got.

**As I walk past this town  
The memories hurt**

I was still wondering why things had to turn out like this. Jin and I had been inseparable once, being able to tell each other everything (well, not _everything_ , obviously, but close enough), and spending so much time together that we felt the need to send text message back and forth if we weren’t around each other. Sure, it had probably not been the healthiest way to spend my time, considering the impossibility to forget about my feelings for him when he was this close, but it sure as well had been my happiest days.

We grew slightly apart when we got older, of course. There had been separate filming jobs, and accordingly, we needed to spend time apart because of work. And then, in 2006, Jin had decided to go to America for the first time.

I had been able to cope with it, though. We had written emails quite frequently, and I was sure of his return, plus work kept me busy, so it was okay, in the long run. Not easy, of course, but when were things ever easy for me when it came to Jin?

When he returned, though, things had changed. Even if asked now, I couldn’t quite put a finger on what exactly it was that had changed – maybe it had been the new American friends he had made and their way of life he had been trying to adapt, but he was just slightly different. The way he behaved, his views on our job, the way he had become more distant towards his old friends than he had been before he had left… I noticed it, but I tried not to see it. Jin was still Jin, after all, the goofy guy who would keep me from work when he was bored and was pouting when one didn’t immediately make time for him when he called.

It shouldn’t have come as such a big shock, him wanting to leave Japan and KAT-TUN for good. There had been signs beforehand – I just hadn’t wanted to see them. Maybe love did actually make you blind.

Even with all of this, though, I hadn’t expected him to cut contact with me like that after he left. He probably hadn’t been aware of it, knowing him – the new surroundings, new tasks, new friends… He had probably just forgotten about me. I had overlooked it when he had not answered my first email, and just written another one, teasing him of always being the unreliable one. He had answered that one, though the message had been too short for my liking.

That had been it. No more emails, no calls, no text messages. Nothing. Not that I hadn’t tried. I had called for his birthday, and when he hadn’t taken my calls, I had written a text message. I had written for Christmas, and New Years, in a last desperate attempt to get something out of him, but nothing.

Once I had met his mother at grocery shopping, and when I had answered to her inquiries that Jin hadn’t been in contact with me for months, she had frowned at it, but shrugged it off as him being busy and ensured me that he would call as soon as he found the time.

He hadn’t. Of course he hadn’t.

And now he had the nerve to just march back into the studio and into my life, acting as if nothing had happened and we were still best buddies?! Maybe I could have let it slip if my feelings had really only been those of an ex-band-comrade, or maybe those of a childhood friend, but under those circumstances, I just couldn’t. Not when it tore me apart to see him again after so much time; not when one part of me wanted to punch him in the face and the other wanted to back him up against the next best wall and kiss him senseless.

At one point, it started to rain, so I decided to take the train the rest of the way home. My tears had ebbed away while I had been walking, and no one paid any attention to me as I sat down in a halfway full wagon, the hood of my jacket drawn deeply into my face.

Maybe it was better if I really cut off all contact with Jin this time, I decided. Not only half-heartedly, but from my side as well. I should really stop hanging after him, or unconsciously hoping with every text message or email I got that it would be him, telling me he missed me.

I needed to get this over and done with. I needed to forget him. I needed to move on.

Just as I thought this, my home station was being announced, and I got up, ready to get out of the train.

**As I exit that train station, I’m really really nervous  
Without piling it up, it will pass by**

It only took a few minutes to reach the apartment house my flat was in from the train station, but I was still halfway soaked from the rain when I finally reached the hallway. I shuddered as I walked up the stairs, fumbling in my pocket to draw out my keys. I should really have taken the car. Stupid Jin for confusing me. With my luck, I would catch a cold now and need to stay in bed for days.

Exactly what I needed – even more time by myself to _think_.

**But even so, you’re always on my mind**

When I finally reached my floor, I looked up, and froze where I was. There, on the floor in front of my door, sat Jin, hugging his knees to his chest. He looked up at me with a nervous expression, immediately getting to his feet at my sight.

“Hey” he said weakly, and a little breathless.

I didn’t answer. I just stared at him, silently wondering why, _oh why_ the gods hated me so much, and why Jin couldn’t just leave me alone. If he wanted to talk to me, he could have done so long ago. Why now, when all I wanted was to forget?

Jin kneaded his fingers in nervousness at my silence, gulping and looking down.

“Is it okay if I come in?” he asked quietly, gazing up at me every half second or so. He looked as if he had nervous convulsions.

“Weren’t you supposed to catch a drink with the others?” I murmured, fumbling with my keys again and approaching, pushing past him to unlock my door.

“I told them I had stuff to do” Jin said quietly, watching me. “I thought talking to you was more important.”

 _Since when?_ , I thought as the door finally opened and I slipped inside without a second look at Jin. I intended to let the door fall closed behind me, but Jin caught it in time, slipping in behind me and closing it after him. He looked up at me again as I slipped out of my jacket. The shirt underneath was slightly clammy as well, as I had expected.

“Kame” Jin murmured, his voice pleading, sounding more like when he was a kid. “Please, tell me what’s wrong!”

I still ignored him, shrugging out of my shoes and taking a few steps into the flat, wanting to put my keys into its case on the desk.

“We’ve been best friends for who knows how long!” Jin continued. “Please-“

But he didn’t come farther than that, because in the very  same moment the words “best friends” slipped from his lips, something inside of me snapped, and before I knew it, I had thrown the keys in my hand against the wall in anger. Jin looked at them in shock, his mouth hanging open. He knew I was no one to lose my composure easily, but I didn’t care about how much I scared him with it now – I only cared about that iron heat that burnt through me, threatening to blow me apart, and then I was shouting at him, finally turning around to face him.

“ _Best friends?!”_ I yelled, my words echoing in the small space of my hallway. “Best friends don’t just leave and then don’t call each other for _fucking 9 months_ , Akanishi! Yes, I counted on the way home, it was _9 months_ , and you didn’t find _5 minutes_ to contact your so-called _best friend!_ Don’t you dare tell me anything about friendship, because you don’t even seem to know what the word means anymore!”

Jin only gaped at me, his eyes wide open, as if he was not sure if all of this was really happening. I couldn’t really blame him – I had never lost it in front of him like that, controlled as I always was. Sure, a few snappy comments when I had been in a bad mood, maybe, but never anything like this. I wasn’t even sure if I had _ever_ lost it like this in my entire life. But one thing was for sure – now that the flood had broken through the dam, there was no way to stop it.

“By the way, we were never really best friends to begin with! We might have been close to it at some point, but then you went off to America and decided that all your new American friends were so much cooler than me, and you totally changed, you know that?! I just didn’t want to see it, because I was so _fucking in love with you-“_

I noticed Jin letting out a breath he had obviously been holding at my words, looking at me like I had just revealed to him that I was an alien planning to take over world domination. It ticked me off even more, because _how came he didn’t know already_ , he should know, after all this time, but of course, he had always been totally oblivious to anything that didn’t concern him directly.

“Yes, as _absurd_ and illogic as it is, but I loved you all this freaking time, but you were way too busy with yourself and your dream to take over America to ever notice that, right?! You were always like this, and-“ I cut myself off, forgetting what I wanted to say when the tears returned to my eyes. Shit, hadn’t I cried enough for today?

I moved forward and grabbed Jin at the collar of his shirt violently, because he was way too still, way too still for all the anger boiled up inside of me…

“Do you know what it felt like to hold in all these feelings for more than 10 years?!” I shouted, looking at him but not really seeing him, as the tears were already flowing down my cheeks again, blurring my vision. “Do you have any idea how painful it was to be so close to you and never be able to tell you because I knew that it would _disgust_ you and that I’d lose you forever if I did?! And then, when I bared everything for such a long time, you just disappear on your own and cut off all contact, don’t answer my mails, don’t-“

“I – I didn’t mean to” Jin stuttered, his voice rather high. “I was just busy, and then I kind of… forgot, and-“

“Yeah, I can tell you forgot about me!” I yelled, my voice cracking. I pushed him against the door violently, finally letting go of him, and Jin flinched when his back collided with the wood. “I wish I could have forgotten like this! Why do I always have to be the one to linger?! It’s not fair!”

I was panting by now, biting my lip to suppress the sob that was crawling up my throat.

“And then you just turn up here, not even warning me beforehand, and act as if nothing happened, when I know exactly that I’m not worth anything to you-“

“That’s not true” Jin protested quietly.

“It  is!” I yelled. “You would have called if I was, and-“

“Kame-“

“9 months, Jin, _9 months-_ “

“Kazuya-“

“You were probably _bored_ by your _stupid annoying_ and _uncool_ Japanese friends, but-“

 _“I love you, Kazu!”_ Jin suddenly shouted back, with as much emotion in his voice as I hadn’t heard from him in years. I froze, staring at him uncomprehending.

Jin seemed as flabbergasted as I was, obviously not having expected those words from his mouth. He stared at me with uncertainty, as if he was seeing me for the first time.

“Liar” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“I – I don’t think so…” he murmured in confusion. “I mean, I wasn’t aware, but…” he trailed off, and we were quiet, just looking at each other for a moment. All the energy from my outburst had leaked from my body, and I leaned against the next best wall, sliding down to sit on the floor, staring into space.

“Kame?” Jin whispered, hesitantly taking a step forward.

“I hate you” I murmured, angrily wiping at my cheeks, but new tears replaced the old ones in a split second. “Oh, how I hate you.”

“No, you don’t” Jin whispered, taking another step towards me, until he stood right in front of me.

“But I wish I did” I whispered. “It would be so much easier if I hated you.”

Jin stood still for a moment, before he let himself slide down the wall next to me, sitting so close that our shoulders touched.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asked quietly. I chuckled without humor.

“How was I supposed to tell you?! How would you have reacted if your _male_ best friend told you he had a thing for you?! The teenage you would have been scared to death-“

“Maybe the teenage me would have” he admitted. “But the later me-“

“- the later you would have written me off as some kind of freak, because you were too busy to show the world just how cool and manly you were!” I spat, crossing my arms around my knees, hugging them close to my chest. “I couldn’t have told you.”

Jin was quiet again, lost in thoughts, before he began talking again.

“I’m sorry” he apologized, his voice so sad that for a moment, I actually believed him. “I never meant to hurt you. I really didn’t notice. Maybe I should have paid more attention to you, but you know how I sometimes tend to not see things that are right in front of me. I’m stupid. I’m sorry.” When I didn’t answer again, he just talked on. “Also, I didn’t mean to ignore you. First, I was just so busy and excited about everything new in my life that I kind of just forgot answering your mails. I always told myself I would do it tomorrow, or the day after, and at some point, I just felt stupid and avoided the whole issue… I just kind of knew that when I wrote to you, I’d have to apologize for not writing back before, and you know how bad I am at such things…” he murmured. “I know it’s silly, and to be honest, I knew that you’d be mad at me when I came here, but I had kind of hoped that you’d forgive me, like you always do, and we could just let it drop and not talk about it again.”

I chuckled bitterly. “Of course you did” I spat.

“I’m really sorry” Jin repeated. “I know I’m stupid, self-centered, immature… I never knew why you even were friends with me. Or what you like about me, for that matter.”

“I don’t know either” I lied, and was satisfied to see Jin flinch at my words.

“But I never forgot about you, Kame” he said quietly, looking at me, searching my eyes, but I didn’t do him the favor to look up. “I always thought about you, and missed you. There were so many moments when I experienced something and thought to myself that I had to tell you, and then I realized that you weren’t even there with me. My American friends are no match for you. They never understood me like you always did, or supported me the way I was used to it by you. You should know that.”

He reached out to touch my arm gently, but I pulled away from his touch. “Don’t touch me” I hissed.

He hesitated for another moment, before he shifted and pulled me against him, his hands on my left shoulder and arm, my right side colliding with his chest. I hadn’t realized that I was freezing through the clammy clothes until I felt Jin’s warmth, and it was all I could do to not lean into him and revel in the feeling.

But I didn’t. I wouldn’t give in like that. If I gave in now, I would never be able to move on. I was on a Liberty Walk, and no matter how pathetic my performance was, I still tried to convince myself that I would walk out of this without Jin in my life, and without all the pain.

 **“Baby, please come back” I can’t say it**  
We can’t go back to those days  
To the time that flowed by  
And now, I’m just letting it pass

“Kazuya” Jin whispered, burying his face into my hair.

“Don’t call me that, Akanishi” I murmured, emphasizing his last name to keep the distance.

“Please, don’t be like this” he whispered against my head. “Don’t be so stubborn.”

“Says who?” I mocked. We both knew we were one and the same when it came to our pig heads.

“Well, then you should at least know I’m not going to give in either” Jin tried for a joke. I didn’t laugh. “Kazu” he whispered pleadingly. “Please.”

“What do you expect?!” I groaned. “For me to forgive you and go through this whole hell of being your best friend again?! Thanks, but no thanks.”

“No” Jin protested, shaking his head. “I don’t want to hurt you any longer. I… I meant what I said earlier. I love you.”

“You don’t” I hissed. “Don’t say things you don’t mean! What are you trying to do?! Get my hopes up so you can crash me completely?!”

“I would never do that!” Jin said vehemently. “It’s true, I… I was never aware that I had feelings for you, and when I said the words before… They just slipped, and I didn’t expect it myself, but they are true, I know it.”

“You are not gay, Jin!” I replied firmly.

“True, I never was into men…” he murmured. “But it’s you, and… you mean the world to me. You always did, even if you don’t seem to have realized it. Even when there was an ocean between us, it was enough for me to know that you were out there somewhere, supporting me silently. The thought of loosing you is just… too cruel. And well, you happen to be a man. So I guess I need to widen my horizons.”

“What kind of logic is that?!” I murmured, annoyed.

“Bakanishi logic?” he replied hopefully, picking up an old line from me.

“Shut up!” I shot back.

“Sorry” he murmured. “But I’m not lying, Kazu. It might seem illogic to you, and hell, I don’t even know what’s going on with myself – but being here, and seeing you like this, knowing it’s my fault…”

“I don’t need your sympathy” I groaned.

“It’s no sympathy” Jin said firmly. “Don’t you remember? I’ve always been protective of you.”

I remembered. He had indeed been protective of me. Maybe because I had been the younger one, but he had always kept an eye on me – every time I had overworked myself, he had been the one to force me to relax; when I had hurt myself during performances, he had not left my side, making sure I was okay; when others had criticized me, he had always been there to stand up for me. But this and the situation now were two different pair of shoes.

“I don’t know how, and since when – maybe I’ve always felt this way, but have kept it so deep inside that I didn’t notice, and it only came out when I heard how you felt for me – but I know that I love you. I’ve always wondered why I never felt as deeply as I wanted to for all the women I dated – now I know. Maybe it’s because all the time, I loved you. I just didn’t know it.”

There was a part of me that wanted to believe Jin’s words, because hell, it sounded familiar to me. How often had I been out with girls, or even guys, trying desperately to feel something for someone else than Jin?! But the other part in me, the stubborn one, doubted that Jin could decide feelings like these in a matter of minutes, when I had carried them around for years, and after all the suffering I had taken all this time, how could I give in like that?! I would feel like one of those stupid girls whose boyfriend treated them like shit, and the moment he said a few sweet words to them, they would happily come back. I was not like that. For one, I was not some pathetic girl, and furthermore, I wanted  to believe that I had more self-value than that.

Yes, maybe I was exaggerating. But I was not going to give in like that.

So when Jin reached out to stroke my hair out of my face, looked down at me and leaned forward, I finally found the strength to push him back and get up, away from him.

“Kazu” Jin murmured in some kind of whiny voice.

“No” I said loudly, firmly, staring him down. “You need to get out of here. Now.”

With that, I walked towards the door, opening it and standing back to hold it open for him. Jin looked at me desperately from his position against the wall.

“Please don’t do that” he begged.

“Just get out of here already!” I hissed, unwavering.

Jin sighed, looking down and kneading his hands, looking for the first time like he was about to cry himself. Then he finally got up, hopelessly walking towards the door. I suppressed a sigh of relief.

But just before he walked out of the door he turned around to look at me again. His eyes were indeed slightly glossy, and I felt how my façade crumbled for a short moment as I looked at him.

A mistake, because Jin caught it. Before I knew it, he had me pinned against the wall, his lips on mine. The door slipped from my grip, falling closed as Jin kissed me hungrily.

**The erased feelings are coming back**

Having Jin kiss me took all my breath away. I had imagined how it would feel like to kiss him so often that I had a whole repertoire of situations in my mind, each one more impossible than the next one. Hell, I could write a drama with all my fantasies, but I doubted anyone wanted to watch my creepy homo-fantasies on screen.

This, on the other hand, was more intense than any of my fantasies. If I had thought it would be incredible, then this was some kind of religious experience. I felt like my whole body was on fire, melting away all the rage and hurt of the past few minutes, heck, _years_ with just this one touch.

First his lips were firm and unyielding against mine, as if he was afraid I would push him away again, but as he noticed that I wouldn’t, he moved his lips gentler against mine, running his tongue against my lower lip, teasing me until I slightly opened my mouth to give him entrance. When I felt his tongue move against mine softly, I moaned quietly, not being able to help myself, and Jin removed one of his hands from their firm grip on my hips, sliding it into my hair, gently holding my head in place.

I was lost. I didn’t even remember what point I had so vehemently tried to make only a minute ago. Damn Jin and his gentle touch and his soft lips and, _oh god…_

To hell with my pride or whatever it was that had been trying to throw him out earlier, I decided as I eventually wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling his soft curls between my fingers, pulling him closer. Jin caught on, letting the hand that had remained on my hip travel to my back, stroking soft circles into it, holding me close.

We worked well together. I began to remember why we had been such a good team in the first place.

Jin slipped his hand under my shirt, his hot fingers tracing my skin, making me shiver. Then he broke the kiss, toying with the hem of the shirt.

“You should get out of these clothes” Jin murmured, his soft gaze slightly concerned. “Your skin is ice cold. You’re gonna catch death.”

Really? I had almost forgotten about my wet clothes at all since Jin had started kissing me. Maybe that was why he had felt so hot against me.

Before I could answer, Jin was already lifting the shirt up, not waiting for my permission. I guess he didn’t need one – it was not the first time he had seen me shirtless, after all. But it still felt different now. Nevertheless, I lifted my arms, allowing him to pull the damp thing off of me. He let it drop to the floor, immediately pulling me close to him again, rubbing his hands over the skin of my back in a try to warm me up.

Gosh, he really was warm. It felt like heaven. In search for more heat, I sneaked my arms around his waist, slipping under his T-Shirt, feeling his hot skin. Jin shuddered at my touch.

“Gosh, have you put those into ice water?!” he murmured, but didn’t pull away from my touch.

“Serves you right” I murmured into the skin of his neck. “See it as some kind of punishment.”

“Don’t tempt me” he chuckled. “If you punish me like that, I will look for ways to anger you more often…”

I looked up, popped an eyebrow at him, removed one hand from under his shirt and firmly touched my cold fingers to his tickly collarbone.

Jin squealed, just like I remembered from when we were younger, and pulled away from me, eager to get away.

“Alright, alright!” he called. “I get it! No teasing Kamenashi Kazuya! I GET IT!”

I laughed, not being able to keep the smile from my face. Jin watched me, his eyes glowing in a beautiful way.

“Does that mean we are good again?” he asked quietly, his voice full of hope.

I sighed, looking up at him again, a little more thoughtful now. I knew the wounds of many years wouldn’t disappear just like this, but maybe… maybe they would heal over the time. And hell, this was the best start I could get, right?

“Just shut up and kiss me!” I finally said.

**If someday, I can only let go of them**

I didn’t need to tell him that twice. Instantly, Jin had crossed the distance between us again, pulling me into his arms and kissing me again. He was still gentle and soft, but I didn’t want soft, not after all these years – I wanted rough and intense and mind-blowing. So I pulled him into me until no one could really tell where I stopped and Jin started, deepening the kiss, wanting to get even closer, impossibly closer.

Soon, Jin’s shirt was gone as well, along with my damp jeans. Jin was panting by the time he broke our kiss again, leaning his forehead against mine.

“Let’s move this to the bedroom, okay?” he whispered, softly running his fingers up my back, making me shiver. “If I can’t put you under a blanket soon, you’ll freeze to death, and I won’t give you away like that when I just got you back.”

“I’m fine” I rolled my eyes at him, leaning in for another kiss, but his fingers found their way into my hair again, pulling me backwards, away from him.

“You are shaking” Jin pointed out sternly.

“Not because of the cold” I responded determinded.

“As flattered as I am with that comment, it doesn’t change that it feels like I’m hugging a snow man” Jin answered flatly, letting go of me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me along the hallway forcefully.

He found the way to my bedroom without any problems, even though it had been almost a year since he had been here last time. I guess some things you didn’t forget. He pushed the door open, walked towards the bed, pulling me along, lifting my neatly spread out covers up and pushing me onto the bed, covering me with them. Then he stood there awkwardly, looking down at me.

“And what now?” I asked, teasing him. “Are you going to get me a tea and a hot water bottle?”

“Do you want one?” Jin asked, looking dumbfounded. I chuckled at his expression.

“No” I ensured him. “You completely suffice as my hot water bottle.” With that, I reached for him, hooking my fingers in the waistband of his baggy pants. Jin looked down at me, frozen. When he didn’t react, I fumbled with the buttons, slipping one after another open. When Jin still didn’t move, I became slightly anxious.

“You’re not going to back out on me, are you?” I asked quietly, looking into his eyes.

I was scared that, as fast as he had decided that he had feelings for me, he might decide he was wrong and leave me hanging. As well as I could read Jinmost of the time, as much he was a mystery to me sometimes.

“No” he said firmly, shaking his head. “That’s not it, I was just wondering… Have you done this before? With a guy, I mean?”

I frowned at him in confusion. Was this the moment to discuss past relationships?

“I mean, it’s just…” Jin said uncomfortably, biting his lips. “I’ve never been with a guy, so I don’t know…” he trailed off, slightly blushing, and then I finally got it.

I reached out for his hand, pulling him towards me. He eventually sat down on the edge of the bed, and I sat up next to him, sneaking my arms around his waist, resting my head against his shoulder.

“You are a guy yourself” I murmured, trying to be reassuring. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“But somehow, I feel like a teenager again” he chuckled. “It’s embarrassing.”

“You were doing fine out there” I reminded him. After all, he had been the one kissing me. And removing my clothes.

“I know“ he murmured. „But then I started thinking and – urgh…“

“You shouldn’t be thinking” I said with a straight face. “I’ve known you long enough, and there’s never come anything good out of it.”

“You!” Jin groaned, throwing me onto the bed again and starting to tickle my lower sides, just above my hips. I struggled, chuckling. Damn, of course he had to remember my ticklish parts too. “I know you’ve always been the smart one out of us, no need to rub it into my face like this!” Jin chuckled, finally letting go of me so I could breathe. I turned to lie face to face with him, chuckling as well. This felt so much like our teenage days, only better. Way better.

I reached out to stroke over his face, and Jin closed his eyes at my touch.

“We don’t need to go all the way” I murmured, trying to reassure him. “We’ve got time. I’ve waited years to come this far, no need to rush. I just want to be close to you.”

Jin smiled, opening his eyes again to look at me.

“That sounds nice” he nodded.

I smiled back, leaning in for another gentle kiss. Jin moved closer to me over the matrices, engulfing me in a warm embrace again, and I could have almost just lain there like this, falling asleep. Almost, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was still hard from the make out session with Jin, and I knew I couldn’t possibly fall asleep with this lust racing through me. So I moved my hand back to Jin’s jeans, pulling slightly at them, eager to get rid of the annoying fabric. Jin obliged, much to my relief, squirming to get out of the damned thing.

From that point on, everything seemed to work out by itself. The way Jin’s fingers moved over my skin, the way his breathing sped up as I trailed kissed down his chest – we worked in perfect harmony, and I loved it that way. It felt _right_ , just as if this had always been supposed to happen.

Why hadn’t it happened sooner?

**I believe, like a prayer**

Soon, the last pieces of our clothing were gone too, and we were panting, trembling under the others touch. Jin was lying on his back, and I was right at his side, one leg draped over his, my hand on his warm stomach, stroking over it softly, sensually.

“Kazu” he whispered, catching my eyes. His nut-brown orbs were glazed with lust. “Stop teasing me.”

I smiled slightly, leaning down to kiss him again, sucking on his bottom lip, before moving my hand downwards. His breath caught when I wrapped my fingers around him, softly beginning to stroke. I loved how responsive Jin was – how he bucked his hips into my hand, breathy sounds escaping his lips as I continued to kiss him, and how I felt him shiver every now and then.

It didn’t take long until he moaned into my mouth, and I felt him come into my hand. It was no surprise really – this was completely new territory to us, and every time Jin touched me, I felt just how close I was as well.

I pressed my cheek to Jin’s chest while I waited for him to come down from his high, listening to his rapid heartbeat with a smile on my face. When Jin got his breathing under control again, I felt him run a hand through my sweaty hair, down my neck, gently massaging.

“This is awesome” Jin murmured, and I heard his voice vibrate in his chest. “Why haven’t we done this before?”

“Because _someone_ needed that long to figure out he was a little bit gay” I teased, kissing his collarbone just to annoy him, and he shuddered, knotting his fingers in my hair again to keep me from moving.

Jin pushed me off of him, onto my own back, with him hovering above me slightly.

“I guess I need to make up for that” he murmured, stroking the hair out of my eyes.

“You could try” I agreed, reaching out to put my hand on the back of his head, gently pushing him down to me until our lips met again. I couldn’t get enough of kissing him. Why were his lips so addicting?

“Tell me when I’m bad at it” Jin murmured as he let his hand trail from my chest downwards.

“You can’t be bad at it” I returned, slightly breathless.

“Wanna bet?” he chuckled, cocking an eyebrow at me.

“Better not” I murmured, closing my eyes as I felt his finger tickle my thigh. Then he wrapped his fingers around me, and forgot where I was, who I was, simply loosing myself in Jin’s touch. I felt like a rising airplane, climbing higher and higher with every touch. I moaned desperately, being impossibly close, and I knew Jin was watching my expression intently, fascinated by the way the muscles clenched in lust. I clung to the skin of his back, probably digging my nails in so hard that I created bruises, but Jin didn’t complain, didn’t move away from my touch. And then I went over the edge, with Jin kissing me as I rode out my orgasm, feeling like I was on top of the world, and things couldn’t get better than this – I was finally at the finish line.

When I opened my eyes again, Jin was lying at my side, his head propped up with his hand, elbow leaning against the pillow, watching me while stroking through my hair.

“See” I murmured, reveling in his touch. “You weren’t bad at it.”

“Good to know that I don’t fuck everything up” he responded, smiling.

“No” I smiled back, reaching out to pull him closer to me, satisfied when his head rested on my shoulder. “You don’t.”

“Can we start over?” Jin murmured, burying his face in my neck. “Forget everything that happened last year, and just be like this? Together?”

I smiled sleepily. For the first time since I met Jin, forgetting something to do with him seemed possible, and I wanted nothing more than this. So I just nodded, taking a deep breath when I felt him kiss my neck in response.

**I just wanna forget**

… and start anew. With you.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/one-shot-on-my-mind/  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/2809.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/2833.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/3210.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/3568.html


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